


Hold Your Breath While You Watch Me Fall

by ConsiderableColors



Series: Neil Perry Is Not Okay [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Charlie's a good bro, Dark Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Kind of graphic descriptions of self harm, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, my vote's on the former, or really strict parenting: you decide, this is not a very happy fic, uhhh this has a weird writing style but hopefully doesn't suck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-28 19:37:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16729458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableColors/pseuds/ConsiderableColors
Summary: "The first time Neil Perry said he wanted to die was in in sixth grade."Or, Neil's relationship with death through the years.Title taken from The Rhyme by Scratch21.





	Hold Your Breath While You Watch Me Fall

The first time Neil Perry said he wanted to die was in sixth grade. This was when all the kids in his classes started making jokes about how dumb they were or how sad their lives were. Eventually, Neil started saying all the same things because his friends were saying it, and it WAS a little funny. Soon self-deprecating jokes became the norm.

~~~

The first time Neil Perry actually wanted to die was in seventh grade. It was after he found out he had flunked his Algebra test, through a call with his father. His father had yelled and raved at him about how simple the test was, how he must not have tried hard enough, how this could ruin his grade point average. Suddenly, everything came crashing down, and Neil could feel the panic he had pushed down for years slowly floating to the surface and suffocating him.

That was the moment Neil really understood what it felt like to hate his life. All he could think about was how much easier things would be if everything stopped, and it terrified him. So, he grabbed one of the achievement pins off his dress shirt and pushed the point of the pin into his shoulder. It began to sink into his skin, and it hurt, but it distracted him from everything. He loved it. He slowly removed the pin, droplets of blood beginning to appear.

He started to realize what he had just done and panicked. His breathing became ragged and tears welled up in his eyes. Neil was still in that state when his best friend came in. The first thing Charlie Dalton did was dig a bandaid out of the first aid kit under his bed and put it on Neil's shoulder. The second thing he did was sit down beside Neil and ask him what happened.

Neil explained, shaking like a leaf in the breeze the whole time. About halfway through, Charlie wrapped his arms around him, gently rubbing his back. After Neil calmed down, Charlie made him promise to never, ever do something like that again, and to tell Charlie if he felt the urge to.

He broke his promise a month later, without crying or freaking out. In fact, he felt calmer than he had in weeks. So he kept doing it.

~~~

The first time Neil Perry thought about how he would kill himself was in eighth grade. It was the year Leo Saunders transferred to Hellton. Neil thought about him constantly. That month he did everything he could think of to act like all the other boys in his school. Still, whenever he saw Leo in Biology, a blush would crawl up his neck. When he finally accepted he liked guys, all he could think about was what his parents and friends would say. He thought about what the world would say. He thought about the drawer of his parent's nightstand and what it contained.

One night, Neil wrote out a suicide note, telling himself it was just in case. He wasn't going to do that. It was just in case he needed it.

~~~

The first time Neil Perry told his parents about how bad he was feeling was in ninth grade. That year he fluctuated between hopeless and numb. It was Charlie who noticed how different Neil seemed that year, and he was concerned enough to pull Neil aside and ask if he was okay. 

Neil had grinned, saying, "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

Charlie saw through him instantly and refused to relent. "Maybe you should talk to someone."

Neil's father was predictably dismissive, telling him he was being overdramatic and needed to man up a bit. His mother seemed worried, but as always she didn't contradict her husband. Neil decided not to try talking to an adult about his thoughts in the future.

~~~

The first time Neil Perry almost died was in tenth grade. By that point, he had advanced to using razor blades when he hurt himself. The big day had started off fine, but it just kept getting worse. By the time Neil finally got back to his room, he was ready to cut and go to bed. However, one or two slashes just wasn't enough like it usually was. So he kept doing it. The blade dug deeper and deeper the more he cut, and he didn't stop, despite feeling light-headed.

The next time Neil opened his eyes, be was in Charlie's room, on his bed, with Charlie silently crying next to him. A hoarse "Char?" was all it took for Charlie up snap out of it. Neil found himself pulled into the fiercest hug he had ever received. Soon, his best friend started talking, anger and fear battling to be the dominant emotion in his voice.

Charlie explained how he had knocked on Neil's door, worried he hadn't shown up for study group. Neil hadn't answered so he just walked in. More tears fell down his face as Charlie explained the bloody mess he saw, with an unconscious Neil in the center of it. He continued that he had dragged Neil into the bathroom and cleaned his wounds (not before locking the door, obviously), bandaged him, and taken them to his room.

"What time is it?" Neil had asked hoarsely.

"3am."

"Oh."

Charlie had sighed. "How long has this been going on?"

"This was the first time."

"Don't lie to me, Neil."

Neil had looked away before speaking. "You remember in seventh grade, with the pin?"

"You... you promised you weren't going to do that again."

"I'm sorry, alright? I didn't mean for it to become a habit."

"You could've died tonight! Do you realize that?!"

"Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"No, Neil, this isn't nothing!"

Neil's voice had filled with defeat. "Just leave me alone, okay?" 

"Please, Neily, just talk to me."

"Stop, Charlie."

~~~

When Neil Perry died, he was in eleventh grade, and it was the best year of his life. That was the year his friends broke out like never before. The year they got a new English teacher, who taught them to make the most out of every moment. The year Todd Anderson transfered to Welton, the year Neil fell in love with his roommate, and the year they snuck kisses under the moonlight. The year Neil played Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream. That was the year he felt free.

Of course, it didn't last. One thing led to another, and Neil was trapped again. That was when the thought appeared, the idea that never really left his mind no matter what he did. However, something was different this time. Usually, when he thought about death, he was shaky and desperate. Now, he was calm and resigned. Usually, he felt sad and hopeless, but this was different. Strangely enough, Neil felt right. Content, for the first time in a while.

When Neil Perry was in eleventh grade, he finally got what he had wanted for years. Peace.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is considerablecolors if you'd like to stop by!


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